+It is a great relief to hear that Cabinet ministers who have had the virus are now getting back into harness. Matt Hancock, a hands on type of fellow, was telling the nation only minutes ago that he was ‘delighted’ and ‘thrilled’ with the developments taking place to defeat the invisible enemy. He quickly glided over the fact that we’re starting from a low capacity (why?) but not to worry: new strategies and new guidelines have been worked up. Tomorrow I’m going to go and see if my pharmacy has some 'strategy and guideline' pills. That’ll do the trick! (By the end of the month.)
+Why can’t we have some good news? Surely the burglary rate must be down if everybody is staying at home (we’ll eventually hear from the Home Secretary about what a great success this was for government crime prevention policies) and perhaps road traffic deaths and injuries will be down too. Another success for government policy! What a blessing, and very shortly we’ll be transported into a rapturous round of applause for the man, the PM himself, who brought so much good news even whilst lying on his near-death bed. Meanwhile, further comparisons with Germany’s more robust dealings with Coronavirus should be ignored. Don’t forget who won the battle of Dunkirk.
+There’s more good news from Britain’s leading dauber. Yes, Mr Hockney has shown the world his latest Ipad creation. His response to Coronavirus captures the full technicolour glory of a right good sneeze.
+The picture above demonstrates how quickly the ingenuity of we Brits can be called upon when having to respond to the existential threat posed by those who are incapable of social distancing. There are still some people who seem to think the whole thing is a bit of a lark. They won’t with one of these up ’em, as Corporal Jones might say. As soon as I can get a patent they’ll be on the market, so maybe next year sometime.