Ploughing through some old USBs I got in a secondhand shop recently I found a previously unpublished work by the renowned French-Irish post-modernist playwright Samuel Buckett, whose groundbreaking Waiting For Bardot shook up the literary scene many years ago. Now, thanks to technology I can bring you this short play, written it seems when Buckett was feeling very bored during the Covid lockdowns. Frankly, it’s another masterpiece.
Dog’s Breakfast At Biffany’s A short play for the feeble minded by Samuel Buckett Act one, scene one. A Cabinet Room off Whitehall Boris: If I can whip it, anybody can whip it. Dominic: You’re back soon. I thought I was supposed to take the lead. Matt: And put it on Dominic: Grrrrrrr! Matt (snooty voce) I think he’s gone Raabid . . Boris: Don’t get cocker! Mickey: I’m at home listening to my stereo Boris: I hope it’s got decent woofers. What you got on? Mickey: Corgi and Boss. Boris: My favourite . . Oh, yo' daddy's rich and yo' ma is good-lookin' Pritti: He means me! Boss, I’ve been getting some stick . . Matt: Pritti stick Boris: Matt, down boy, sit! I said SIT! Be good and you’ll get a biccy. Rishi: I’m in charge of the biccys Boris: What’s that Pal? Rishi: (barking) I’m in charge of the biccys! Boris: Biccys? Let them chew bones. Jenrick! What are you doing here? I thought you were in your kennel? Jenrick: Sorry boss, I’ve got two kennels Dominic (aside) He’s a Pedigree Chump that’s what he is. Pritti: Boss, what should we do with all these strays? Boris: Dunno. Pack ‘em off abroad somewhere . . Pritti: Labrador? Grant: I’ve an idea! Everybody: Oh no! Grant: There’s a lot of empty Greyhounds running around America. Boris: Grant! What have I told you? Do that outside! Has anyone got some PPE? Matt: I haven’t. Boris: OK. Let’s just pause for a moment and see if we can lick this problem. Rishi: I have some ball park figures. Here! Fetch! Boris: Who do you think you’re talking to? A pack of Petit Basset Griffon Vendeens? Rishi: No, I just thought it would be good exercise. But only once a day of course. Boris: Well that’s alright then, We aren’t into new tricks. Now. Let’s all do tickle tum! Everybody: (rolling around on floor with legs and arms up and tongues hanging out, howling noises) Boris: Now we’re getting somewhere. It’ll soon be dog’s dinner time! Matt: Yeah, and I could do with a drink. Let’s all go down to the Dog and Duck. Dominic: Don’t be stupid, it’s closed . . Matt: Alright then, let’s try the Fox and Hounds! Dominic: Get a grip Matt, we closed all the pubs, remember? Matt: But not for everybody surely? Jenrick’ll know somewhere that’s open. Everybody: He’s a nose for these things. He’ll be on the scent rightaway! Pritti: Yes Jenrick, bloody well get on with it you stupid mutt you heard what I said and stop looking like a . . . Boris: Pritti, you have my complete confidence. Pritti: Thank you boss, I can put anybody’s tail between their legs. Grant: I heard a whistle. Boris: Yes, it’s our signal. We blow it all the time when our bowls need filling. And they always need filling. Grant: Did you know I used to be in marketing? I love a great line. I read this on the web: “Whether you’re feeding a great big appetite or the most sensitive of stomachs, the right diet for your dog will make all the difference. Bright eyes, glossy coat, a wet shiny nose and what comes out of the other end shouldn’t offend - remember people, we want kickable not skiddable! Always save up to 40% when you shop for . . .” Boris: That could be in our next manifesto. Matt: Don’t you mean dogifesto? Boris: You’re sacked! Everybody: Who will notice!? Boris: It’s walkies time!! Exuent stage Right.
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