No. 10 Downing Street
GOVERNMENT EYES ONLY
Date: 1st January 20 . . errr, can we postpone that?
To: Cabinet Secretary (for distribution)
Department/Sec. of State/Task
FCO/Hunt/Contact Sheikh Hasina Wizard and find out how we could win a general election. (n.b. use the phone box in Berwick and take a lot of change. She’s in Bangladesh)
Home Office/Javid/Finish your hols and come back when I tell you to
Exiting the E.U./Fox/Hand your Air Miles over to MoD – they’ll offset cost of Royal Flight
Defence/Williamson/Check out Walmington-on-Sea. How are we fixed?
Education/Hinds/Must find out who this person is
Health/Hancock/Get those hospital waiting times down! Less than 4 hours please. Shouldn’t have to wait that long to get into a car park.
Transport/Grayling/I read somewhere we’re converting Pacer trains into Amphibious Refugee Detention Centres. Make sure they’re replaced by 2030! You’ve got until 2040 to do it!
Treasury/Hammond/Use any of Fox’s surplus Air Miles to reduce deficit. (n.b. walk across to MoD to get them, don’t use a taxi)
N.I/Scotland/Wales/Chamberlain (it’s a team name)/Loved your comment about being a ‘little country far away about which we couldn’t care less.’ Keep up the good work!
Environment/Gove/Time to stop counting sheep and counting your chickens, etc. We’ll need more rhubarb on March 30th. Only you can do this!
DCMS/Wright/I want a slot on the Today prog. We’ll call it ‘Thought for the May’ or something like that. Get on with it. And make sure we can have a PayPal account attached to it.
DfID/Mordaunt/Sorry, can’t afford you. Bugger off!
BEIS/Clark/’Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy’ sounds like a bit of a mouthful to me. From now on you’ll be the 'DFA' – the Department For And – or FA for short. Commission a team to design a new letterhead and report back to me in six months’ time.
Attorney General/Cox/You’re a sucker for punishment you are! I need you more than ever! Love,
Housing, etc., etc., etc./Brokenshire/Remind me. What is it that you do again?
All the rest/…/Don’t know what to do here. I know! We’ll sell ‘em all off! Hurrah! Another job done!
Strong and Stayable, Strong and Stayable, We shall live for evermooooooore!