I could have been a contender

I realise that my moans about the No.10 Coronavirus briefings have become a little bit repetitive. Today will be no exception, as we look at the evidence and see that whilst there is an apparent plateau in the number of moans, there is still a high risk that without suitable measures these could dramatically increase and so undo everything that has been done already to reduce them, which is to say, not to increase them at least within the curve we’d naturally expect at this point, which we know is going up even if it is poised to go down.  It is important to understand that what goes down can go up and vice versa, and only we, the best performing super stars of the Cabinet are entrusted with the heavy responsibility of conveying this information to you. Thankfully, a task force has been created (I can announce today) which will bring together everybody who has already been working together to ensure there will be a renewed sense of togetherliness behind our five point action plan, which my colleague (one of them, I forget which) announced a while back when we still thought the English Channel and Brexit (yes!!!) would save us having to spend a single extra penny on this touch of flu, as our good friend Donald has described it.
 
So to summarise and to almost exactly paraphrase Evan Davis on tonight’s BBC PM programme, if there’s anything (at all) worth reporting from the briefing we’ll bring it you. Message to Dominic C:  Whoever thought up this idea of the daily briefings should be sacked as soon as this is all over. Being forced to make a blasé repetition of this crap everyday merely re-emphasises at every turn how unprepared and how out of touch we are. It’s not that we are out of touch that matters, it’s the perception that counts. Self isolate! Self isolate!