There is an overwhelming need to start a new contest which would result in an award at a glitzy ceremony broadcast to a worldwide audience with mouths agape in anticipation of bucket loads of sugary popcorn and mind-numbing commentary. Yes, I am talking about the new Nobel Prize (style) Global Award for the Gobshite of the Year. To qualify to enter this prestigious competition you must already (obviously) be famous and will be able to point to the number of times your fatuous opinions have been shared or ’liked.’ Your social media loveability will be a key arbiter of your potential to win, not merely the number of times you have spouted verifiably mental twaddle. People do that all the time, and whilst they can indeed be gobshites most of them don’t have the panache to enter this race.
Now let’s look at some contenders. Today’s news is that Piers Morgan has won a multi-million pound, multi-media contract with Rupert Murdoch to appear in every corner of the land, to compete I would say on a par with lamp-posts as one of the most ubiquitous of the nation’s termini for bitter, dog leg-high squirts. Maybe that’s putting too fine a point on it. If Peirs entertains sufficiently to earn his keep why take the piss out of him? Good on yer mate!
The battles at so-called ‘GB News’ point to the re-emergence of another contender for the ’Gobshite of the Year’ award. Yes, our old friend Nigel Farage, a man who will most certainly refuse to take his MEP’s pension, has entertained some of the population with his outstanding analytical mind. His recent foray into attacking the Royal National Lifeboat Service (for rescuing migrants in the English Channel) has shown his rare ability to connect with the very people he most championed during the Brexit debacle. He seems not to know that a great many of the brave souls who serve in the RNLI are fishermen and women—donating their time for nothing. Sadly, Nigel’s chances of winning Gobshite of the Year have plummeted after that intervention, but curiously in a competition of this kind, shouldn’t they have increased?
Naturally a true Gobshite like Boris Johnson has a very good chance of winning. The frightening thing here is that he is Prime Minister, so unlike Morgan and Farage he currently exercises real power. Perhaps that attribute should elevate him to a super-status Gobshite, on a par with Trump. Perhaps he could be palmed off with a life-time achievement award, for it surely is a great achievement to expose the inadequacies of our ‘democracy’ in quite the way he has done. Here arises an ontological problem: Johnson may be altering political reality to the extent that he could no longer qualify as a ‘gobshite’ on the grounds that he will have changed our entire discourse on what it means to be a gobshite. It’s the new norm, where being a gobshite simply makes no impression at all.
I’m not sure this competition will gain many sponsors.