Who's got the mustard?

For obvious reasons I have blogged a fair bit lately about the Labour Party, whose leader now, after all, still takes the knee every week (now for the King’s benefit that is). So perhaps a quick glance across the aisle is justified, since the nation is gripped by the Tory leadership contest. In this battle of the heavyweights one name is missing, and I’m sure that a majority of party members regret the absence of Nigel Fartage. Tough luck! So if I were one of those poor benighted members, I would certainly want to pick up my ear trumpet to listen to the profound wisdom on offer from the other C-listers, of which the following is a mere sample:
 
"Sadly, it is going to be four years, but I'm going to need all four years of opposition to make sure that our policies are ready. Because I tell you what, on day one, I'm going to need to start because the leadership we offer will need to begin right at the beginning." (Politics Home, 3rd September)
 
This is the ‘centrist’ candidate Tom Tugendhat speaking, with rousing words equal to anything Winston Churchill mustered. Tugendhat is here clearly laying down his objective of starting on day one as opposed to day three, which technically comes two days later, and he makes it plain that the beginning starts at the beginning. This is the kind of honest talk that has so far eluded Keir Starmer, whose ’Five Missions’ verbiage reflects the Herculean challenges Britain faces which may only be beaten if Keir can find somebody as short as him who is up to the task—Tom Cruise, of course. But Oh No! Emmanuel Macron has already snaffled the Mission Impossible star. Well, that was all a bit gratuitous.